Sunday

(From Bonnie)

My dear family and loved ones,

These last 3 days have been an emotional rollercoaster where I felt controlled by constant monitoring of the cancer more than having the constant peace in our Lord and Savior. Let me explain. Every hour on the hour, some technician checked my heart rate, temperature and blood pressure. Doctors ordered tests on urine and other bodily output, EKGs, ultrasounds, chest x-rays; all these to analyze the latest mini-crisis surrounding my illness. So if everything checks out ok then they will leave you alone for 2 hours. If even one small thing has changed, like a new rash spot, change in urine color, or temperature elevated, the nurses are instructed to contact my team of doctors. This place goes in panic mode. Not the greatest thing for me when I’m trying to marvel in our Savior’s promises. They run around asking a boat load of questions, call doctors to discuss if it’s the cancer or if it is one of the many medications I am on which ultimately leads to more blood work. Or, is it just a normal symptom that might have caused this miniscule change. I was losing my sense of peace because of the professionals’ reactions. As I began to take deep breaths and pray – I decided that God’s word is more powerful than a two edged sword and no one could stop me from claiming and holding on to the many comforting words of scripture. I didn’t want anyone to rob me of that.

Many of you have sent me scriptures on note cards which have helped to sustain me. Kelly, Jayne and, bless Colleen’s (Cassandra’s friend) heart; she sent a whole stack for me to drink in when I was feeling overwhelmed with my current crisis. So on Thursday, after the full regiment of Steve a) shampooing my hair, b) washing my feet, c) helping me change my gown (you have no idea how complicated this stuff is), d) measuring the volume of urine collected, dumping and cleaning the “hat” that catches it and recording all the information. The nurses and techs love getting my room, because Steve does everything. He’s been here 24/7 since May 12th. Thank you Wieland-Davco for allowing my husband to be here with me why you pick up all his responsibilities - the tears are streaming now!

I provided you all this background to get around to what I really wanted to share with you. I had my first “Mary” experience on Thursday. Since I am a “Martha” by nature – like most of you, I will try to explain. The Story of Mary and Martha is in Luke 10:38-42 and tells of two very different sisters who let the apostles and Jesus visit their house during Jesus’ ministry. Martha was a doer. She could get more done in a 24 hour period than most. Her sister on the other hand was so marveled at Jesus’ teachings she would find herself, not helping with the preparations and just hanging on her Savior’s every word.

In our heart of hearts we all want to be Mary and hang on Jesus’ every word, but face it, we live in a chaotic world and things need to get done and we can do it all. Well around 10:00 Thursday morning, I had a full 40 minute charge on the IV pump battery so I walked down to my giant atrium window on the 5th floor by the elevators to let the sun shine on my face. I took my MP3 player with me that the girls sent decided to start with the first song that was on it. Oh those rich hymns. It was “Before the Throne of God Above” and here are the lyrics:

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

To think that my name is graven on his hands and his heart was so humbling, I could hardly breathe. I moved to the next song, which was Haratio Spafford’s “ It is well with my Soul”. I was taught this song as a child but never knew the story behind it until I was teaching my kids the stories of some of the great hymns and it made a life changing impression on me that has took on new meaning in my little chair facing the giant sunny atrium window on the 5th floor . Here is the story in short:

Horatio Spafford planned a trip to Europe for him and his family. He wanted a rest for his wife and four daughters, and also to assist a couple of missionaries in one of their evangelistic campaigns in Great Britain. For some reason he was not meant to travel with his family. The day in November they were due to depart, Spafford had a last minute business transaction and had to stay behind in Chicago. Nevertheless, he still sent his wife and four daughters to travel as scheduled on the S.S. Ville du Havre, expecting to follow in a few days. On November 22, the ship laden with his wife and daughters was struck by the Lockhearn, an English vessel, and sank in few minutes. After the survivors finally landed somewhere in Wales, Spafford's wife cabled her husband with two simple words, "Saved alone." Shortly after, Spafford left by ship on his way where his four daughters had drowned, he wrote the following which described his own personal grief:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

What unimaginable peace I felt. Not the crisis of the hour or the blood results of the day or the cancer trying to drain every bit of energy from me, could ever touch my soul!

Now remember these songs were placed on my MP3 player last July for my birthday and I had never listened to them in order. I let the third song play. It was a contemporary Christian song and I smiled at the thought of the kids sneaking some of their favorites in. It was Nicole C. Mullens, “When I call on Jesus”. I listened to the words:

I'm so very ordinary, nothing special on my own.
Oh, I have never walked on water,
And I have never calmed a storm.
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall'
Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

I was instantly taken to the top of a mountain with my arms stretch out to heaven, just me and the Lord and I was hanging on his every word. So while so many of you are sacrificing your time and energy preparing meals, working on Cassandra’s open house, doing graduation, writing notes and scriptures for me, keeping my kids on some normal schedule, know that I am the benefactor of all your “Martha” efforts and I am blessed beyond words.

Enough for one day……I share more tomorrow.

Blessings,

Bonnie